The End of a Friendship
by four-stories-tall
Summary: In the middle of an argument with Ron, Hermione breaks down.


"No Ron!" screamed Hermione, her frustration unable to pour out of her as his nonchalant attitude brushed her off.

But it had happened way too many times before, and she'd had enough of pretending. Of pretending that he actually understood what she felt, what she needed. She was sick of him, how he managed to make her feel less than the very ground he walked on, sick of how he always managed to contradict everything she said; sick of how he never came to her, how she always had to make the effort. For the love of all that was good, she just wanted her best friend to be the way he used to!

His eyebrows that were raised in oblivious confusion only infuriated her more.

"What are you going on about?" Ron said. They had been arguing about some thing or an other for over half an hour, when she'd stopped mid-sentence and just said "No Ron!"

The logical side of her brain told her that it made perfect sense that Ron didn't understand what she was talking about. She had after all been on a very solid point when she had shouted. But the hormonal, hurt side of her, just wanted to know why he couldn't understand. How was it that he couldn't understand?

But why did she stop? She'd put up with his attitude for long enough. Why now did she crack? Ever since they met over six years ago, he had been her best friend, the one person she had been able to trust. Trust to be there; trust to need her, trust to want her, trust to know her. Now all of that seemed to have crumbled to dust. Hermione figured that even though she didn't know herself why she chose now to tell him everything she had ever felt, now was the time to say it. A million different formations of words ran through her mind, but the same thing kept coming up. Not the easy 'I've loved you since the moment you saved me in the girls lavatory in first year from a raging mountain troll', or the 'every time you walk in a room I know, even when I can't see you, I know'. All that Hermione could say was the truth.

"I hate what you do to me", Hermione whispered almost silently to herself. The wind must have been going his way, or he had fantastic hearing, because even as she crumpled to the ground her emotions to intense to be able to keep herself steady, he reached out to her. His arms holding her in a stiff embrace, Hermione felt as though this was right, and yet, there was something in his arms, something lacking, something that told her that he was uncomfortable. He still didn't understand, he was just acting on reflexes.

Hermione's cinnamon eyes were brimmed with tears, her vision cloudy as she pulled away from him. Stumbling back she found purchase as she grabbed on to the cold stone wall behind her. This grip made her remember her surroundings; she and Ron were on the grounds not far from the entrance to the castle. It was a windy day, something Hermione noted as she let herself slide down the wall, feeling the coolness of the grey castle stones on her warm back.

Still where he had been when he had held her, his hands held limply to his sides, he said to her, eyebrows furrowed now, in confusion.

"What have I done? Why are- Can't you see I'm-" He seemed unable to form a complete sentence.

Hermione let out a bitter laugh. "Can't you remember, those times back when you were with her? With Padma? She used to hurt you so badly, so often. You used to need me. You used to come to me with sad eyes and I somehow managed to help make you feel better. I loved you because you needed me"

Hermione wasn't lying either, she loved him, even though there were other girls. He never even thought of her that way. Hermione knew that, she wasn't stupid. But nor was she smart, if she were smart, she wouldn't have gotten herself into this situation.

He didn't seem surprised by her admission. Of course he bloody knew. He would know. He knew that there were about twenty girls just in Gryffindor who had not so secret crushes on him, and he knew about the other five that were secret. He could sense it. That's why, that's how, he became this way. So cocky and full of himself, so sure he could have anyone he wanted.

And he could. But he never wanted her. She gathered up her ever dwindling stock of courage and continued, if she stopped now she probably wouldn't be able to get it all out.

"You needed me, you know that. I helped you pick up the pieces after you finally ended it. Do you remember how you tried to hide it? But I wasn't stupid. I knew. And you knew I knew, that's what made you need me. I even introduced you to some of my other female friends".

She thought it was a good thing at the time. He needed new companionship, to help him forget her. But then he had abandoned her, for the rest of her friends, who soon thought Hermione was the burden that came with Ron. They left no secret as to where their desires lay.

"I was so angry at you, when you left me to be with them. I saw how easily you forgot what I had meant to you. But a part of me thought that you'd remember, one day, that you'd remember how much you needed me. So I kept on loving you, I tried to stop myself, so that I could stop getting hurt. You always hurt me"

Ron almost seemed shaken at this point. He had taken up sitting next to her on the cold ground. She shivered as she realized that he was so close. But yet, so distant.

"Hermione, I-" he paused, not knowing where to begin.

"Ron, save it. You don't know the half of it" she said with a hint of the long time suffering in her voice.

"Please, can't you let me understand? I'm still your best friend aren't I?"

"But I'm not yours am I?" Hermione replied shaking her head sadly.

"I was so happy when all of us got back together, when we all hung out. I thought that we'd be able to sort out whatever was wrong with us, and be able to fit back into how we were. But at some point during those months, you fell in love with Padma. You started pushing me away. It had been in the works for a while. But even though she loved you too, she wouldn't have you, because she had Justin.

Did that frustrate you? Did it make you hurt? You know, I felt sorry for you. As much as I hated the fact that there was someone in your life that you could love, I still wanted you to be happy. I've always wanted you to be happy. But-"

Hermione stopped to consider her next words.

Ron spoke before she could continue, "I always wanted you to be happy as well. I was pushing you away because I knew, I know, that you can't be happy with me, no matter what you think. I'll never be able to give you what you want Hermione. Nothing is ever as it seems"

"Yeah, because you never bloody tell me a thing! Why didn't you just talk to me about it all? Why didn't you ever let me make my own decisions about my own life?" The tears that were clogging up her eyes and making her throat swell had burst from the confines of her brown eyes and were cascading freely down her red cheeks.

"What would I have said Hermione? Don't you think you've got this easier than me! You make me out to be some kind of horrible git who's got his head too far up his arse to know how horrible I'm treating people. I don't know how to stop it. I'm a guy Hermione, how am I supposed to act? I get it ok, but I don't like it either. Do you remember that time with Lavender? She cried so much, because there was Hannah. I know that Dean and Seamus envy me for having all these girls after me. But they don't know better. I don't want it to be like this anymore! It makes me feel so- so- ugh! I can't even explain it to you. How do you think I felt? I wanted one girl, and then another one comes crawling to me desperate to make me feel so sorry for her and give in. And I bloody did Hermione! I gave in."

As his last words passed his lips Hermione moved herself around to better face him. She could see the frustration in his eyes.

With a steady voice and her eyes locked on his she spoke softly, softly enough that he had to block out all other sounds to hear her.

"Ron, I, I wanted to know how you felt. How everything made you feel. But you never opened up to me. I want you to need me, I need you to need me" hugging him completely, her head buried in his chest, letting her tears flow.

"I didn't want to need you, I'm a guy Hermione, we're not supposed to need."

Laughing through her drying tears, Hermione smiled as she said "Oh you silly, testosterone filled idiot. It's not a weakness to need. It just shows how much stronger you are. That you're not afraid to be real."

Ron let out a small deflated smile. It filled Hermione with something she would have called happiness, if she could remember what that was.

"You never let me finish. I had wanted to tell you that I'd moved on, I found a place in my mind where I could be glad for you and her. But one day that crumbled in me. You know I moved away, but what you didn't know was that it was because of you. I needed out. I needed to be away from you, to see if I could truly get over what you make me feel. I found that place again. That glad place. I thought that if I could be immune to you, then I wouldn't get hurt. But I couldn't do it. Every night I was there I fell asleep thinking of you. My heart," here she grabbed his hand and pressed it to chest, where her heart lay.

"My heart, even though I had created this barrier, it was filled with love for you. It still is. I realize now, that even though you don't want it, even if you didn't know, my heart is yours and it has always been."

Ron didn't know what to say. He was slightly afraid that doing anything would result in her crying more. He hadn't known Hermione felt this way. Harry had sort of pointed out that she had a soft spot for him. But he had never been aware to the extent that he had been hurting her. He hadn't lied before when he said he'd pushed her away because he didn't think he could make her happy. But he never knew that she loved him.

Hermione spoke then, "Ron, I know a spell, it will let me share with you, exactly how I feel". She didn't give him a chance to say no. She murmured a few words beneath her breath, she felt a warmness heat her hand. The one that was holding Ron's to her heart.

Ron looked down at his hand that was on her heart, a soft orange glow proved the magic was working. Then all at once, Ron's eyes shut, his head pounded, as if it was going to explode. His heart felt like it was going to leap out of his chest; it felt as if a thousand butterflies had taken up residence in his stomach. Then he knew, this was what Hermione felt. He saw flashes of past memories, things he'd forgotten; that one time when he'd hugged her for what seemed – at least in this memory – for hours. It had been during one of the hard times with Padma. Then there was the memory of Ron running towards Hermione, kissing her cheek. But something he never knew, as he'd laughed at her shocked face, she had brought a small hand up to her cheek, blushing. Another time, when he'd picked her up and swung her around after he won his first quidditch match. After that came the hurt, he felt as if his heart was ripping in two, just from the mere picture of him kissing Hannah, of him consoling Lavender, of him turning away from Hermione. Ron had never realized how much he neglected her. This, this feeling, he wanted it to stop. He wanted to say sorry. He just wanted his best friend back. He supposed this was how she felt, angry, sorry, guilty, sad, hurt, betrayed, and unloved.

Then all at once, it stopped. The glow retreated through Ron's arm and into his heart. This made him understand that he would never forget. He wanted to say that he felt what she did. But he couldn't. Even though he felt like something was missing, he couldn't say he loved her.

"Hermione I-" he began, but Hermione silenced him with her free hand pressing against his lips, effectively shushing him.

"Just let me be here, with you, one last time, before it's all too dangerous. I had to let you know how I felt. I was too unfinished"

And with that, she was gathered into his arms. She felt safe, comfortable, and warm. As if she was coming home.

Ron was thinking. He had Hermione curled in a small bundle on his lap. But back home, there was a girl waiting for him, with wide blue eyes and a smile that was just for him. Lavender was fantastic. She made Ron feel good about everything when Hermione had been away (A/N – Hermione had been in Switzerland studying at the magic school there for the majority of 7th year). Before she had gone, Ron had asked Hermione to stick by his side all the time. So that when Lavender was around, he couldn't be forced into something. Because Hermione was like this force, that stopped Lavender.

When Hermione had left, not a week had passed before Ron's willpower and strength ran out, Lavender kept touching him. He was alone and he kept touching her as well. Thinking about it, he realized it was the same way he had been with Hermione, that long time ago when he had first needed her. When Hermione was gone, and Lavender and Ron were formed. He couldn't tell Hermione about Lavender though, in fact he didn't tell anyone. But that didn't stop Lavender. Lavender owled Hermione as soon as she knew they were official. Even though Ron couldn't see Hermione, he could almost paint a picture of her hurt face after reading her letters. She had been so hurt, even he could sense it. Depriving her of the knowledge that he had given in, seemed to hurt more than telling her straight up. But why didn't he tell Hermione? She was his best friend, wasn't she?

Looking down at Hermione, whose breathing had slowed, betraying her sleeping form. A curl had come loose from its pin in her hair and fallen into her eyes, without thinking Ron brushed it away behind her ear. He pulled off her reading glasses and pocketed them. Yes, he thought, she was his best friend.

"I'm sorry, so sorry" he whispered softly to her as she slept. With that Hermione turned, her eyes sparkling with tears that hadn't yet fallen.

"This is the end isn't it Ron? We're not going ever be how we were, are we?" said Hermione sadly. Not letting him answer, Hermione moved her positioning so she was face to face with him. Even though Ron knew what was going to happen, he didn't stop her, didn't stop to think about Lavender. In fact all that he could think of, was Hermione and all he could see was her pink lips that were getting closer and closer to his. He beat her to the first impact. He pulled her head towards him and kissed her like this was their last day on Earth.

After they had both exhausted themselves, Hermione said "was that your goodbye?"

Ron then quickly thought of Lavender who would be broken if she heard about this. Lavender said she loved him. Ron never said it back. He thought about it.

And while he was thinking, he let himself stare into Hermione's eyes, his hands playing with her loosened curls.

"No Hermione. That was hello".

Fin


End file.
